A post by Dr Sarah Walker
When you're in a relationship, it's not just about managing your own emotions but also about how you handle your partner's feelings. This is what researchers call "extrinsic emotion regulation," or “interpersonal emotion regulation” and it's a growing area of study in understanding relationships – whether romantic, friendship, colleagues, or teachers and students. This blog post about a recently published study looks at how couples try to influence each other’s emotions and how these attempts affect their perceptions of relationship quality.
What is Extrinsic Emotion Regulation?
First of all, emotion regulation has typically been studied as an intrinsic process – that is, how we try to manage our own emotions - like calming ourselves down when we're angry or cheering ourselves up when we're sad. But emotions are rarely a solo experience, and in close relationships, we often try to regulate our partner’s emotions too. For example, if your partner is stressed, you might tell them a joke to lighten the mood or offer a different perspective to help them see the situation more positively. This kind of emotional support is known as extrinsic emotion regulation.
Why Does It Matter in Relationships?
The quality of our relationships can significantly depend on how well we manage not just our own emotions but also our partner’s. If you can effectively help your partner feel better, it can strengthen your bond. On the flip side, if these attempts don't go well, it might lead to misunderstandings and might even strain your relationship.
Although extrinsic emotion regulation is a fast-growing research area, thus far past research has only focused on how individuals manage their own emotions and the impact of those intrinsic processes on their relationships. However, this study takes it a step further by exploring how couples manage each other's emotions. Specifically, it examines both perspectives - what one partner does to help and how the other partner feels about it.
The Study: How Do Couples Perceive Extrinsic Emotion Regulation?
The study involved 395 romantic couples who were asked about how they tried to regulate their partner’s emotions and how their partner’s attempts affected their own feelings about the relationship. The researchers were interested in seeing if there were differences between what the "regulator" (the person trying to help) thought they were doing and how the "target" (the person being helped) perceived it.
One of the most interesting findings was that it’s the target’s perspective that really matters when it comes to relationship quality. That is, if the target felt that their partner’s attempts to regulate their emotions were helpful, both partners reported higher relationship quality. But if the target felt their partner was trying to suppress their emotions – like telling them to "cheer up" or "stop worrying" – it often had a negative impact on the relationship from the perspective of both partners.
The study showed that when partners used strategies like humour, distraction, or directly solving a problem, it generally led to higher satisfaction in the relationship. But when they tried to suppress their partner's emotions, it usually backfired, making both partners feel worse about the relationship.
Why Does This Happen?
If you're upset and your partner tells you to just "stop being upset," it might feel like they’re dismissing your feelings. On the other hand, if they listen to you or try to help in a positive way, it shows they care and understand you, which naturally strengthens your bond.
The study also found that it wasn’t just about what was done, but how much the couple agreed on what was happening. When both partners agreed on how emotions were being managed – whether positively or negatively – they tended to report better relationship quality which is perhaps an indication that being in sync with you partner is important.
What Does This Mean for Couples?
If you’re in a relationship, this study suggests that paying attention to how your partner feels about your attempts to help is crucial. Rather than just thinking about what you believe will make them feel better, it’s important to consider how they might perceive your actions.
Listening to your partner and using strategies that focus on their needs, like offering support or a different perspective rather than trying to suppress their emotions, can make a big difference in your relationship satisfaction.
It’s About Understanding Each Other!!
In the end, this study highlights the importance of understanding and responding to your partner’s emotions in a way that they find supportive. By doing so, you can strengthen your relationship and build a deeper connection. It's a reminder that in relationships, it’s not just about what you do, but how it’s received that truly matters.
Click here to read the full article.